Marriage is what you make it
When it comes to creating a strong marriage, insight and perspective are everything. In short, marriage is what you make it. My name is Donisa Hammond and I have been providing evidence-based, clinically sound Christian counseling for 10 years. As a believer, having the insight to view your marriage through a faith-driven lens can be the catalyst through which a marriage survives or surrenders to the trenches of life.
Shifting Perspectives on Lack and Fulfillment
The couples that create a strong marriage understand the concept of intentionality. Strong marriages don’t just happen. In other words they are fully choosing to commit, repair, relinquish their own will and choosing to shift their perspectives. Marriage is what you make it. If you choose to focus on the lack and what you don’t have in yourself, your spouse, your home, etc – you will inevitably grow covetous and develop disdain leading to your spouse being in the middle of your crosshairs. Leading to language that resembles “you” versus “me” instead of “us” and “we”.
Shift your perspective by recognizing God as the ultimate provider of all needs. He is the ultimate source! Through this knowledge, when you are poor, sick, unhappy and more you will not have the perspective of “this person isn’t working” but that He is working and there is something I need to hear and learn from this – selfless, unmerited, unconditional love.
Unconditional Love in Action: God as the Provider
The most common mistake in marriage is believing your spouse should fulfill all of your needs, all of the time. This is incredibly unrealistic and frankly, idolatrous. The Bible tells us in Luke 14:26 that if we are to be followers of Christ we must love Jesus more than our own family and even our life! In other words, when it comes to your Christian marriage, your spouse will and should never be placed above your dependence on Jesus Christ. He is the source of all of your needs (2 Corinthians 9:8-15).
If you can recognize God as being the provider of all of your needs – when your spouse lacks, you can still love them unconditionally as you have been called to do. This shift in perspective transforms communication concerns, financial struggles, sickness and dare I say just not “feeling happy”. You have the choice to love unconditionally in your action, acknowledge God as THE provider and move from struggle to an opportunity for growth and a building of your faith.
Christ-Centered Focus in Marriage
In order to implement all of the aforementioned principles, you must keep the cross at the center of your relationship. The cross was messy. It was sacrificial. It was undeserving. Christ was sinless, yet he bore our sins. It was selfless, and it was an act of obedience, despite the pain. Marriage is an opportunity to emulate the selflessness, grace, and unconditional love of Jesus Christ.
Please know, in no way do I condone domestic abuse. Emotional or physical. If you are in an unsafe relationship, please seek shelter elsewhere and contact local authorities for help. A Christ-centered focus in marriage is safety and protection, not harm. Certainly there will be seasons of difficulty within the context of safety. Therefore a choice will have to be made. Am I to remain obedient despite feelings (which are fleeting) or will I submit to the ways of a culture that drives itself further and further away from the message of the cross? Just as Christ looked to God as His source in his time of suffering, so should we in marriage.
Keeping the cross at the literal center and as the lens through which you view all things is the aim. It is the optimal opportunity to be like Him. Above all, when he was despised and rejected, he still remained. He chose to love.
This is marriage.
Non-Negotiables: Creating Rituals of Connection
Phenomenal relationship experts Drs John and Julie Gottman theorized a concept referred to as rituals of connection. Simply put, rituals of connection help couples maintain a sense of connection by non-negotiably implementing certain practices in a consistent and intentional manner. Practical examples include establishing a habit of daily reunion. This may look like greeting each other at the door upon arrival, putting away phones and other devices upon each others arrival home, a kiss at departure and arrival, etc. Other practical examples of rituals and non-negotiables may include, weekly church attendance, daily prayer time together, or undistracted family dinner at the kitchen table. These practices reinforce stability and connection in marriage and family life.
Conclusion
Marriage is shaped by how you choose to invest in it, spiritually and practically. Adopt a Christ-centered approach to marriage, focusing on unconditional love, rituals of connection, and God as the ultimate provider. If you are feeling hopeless take the time today to reflect on your marriage and consider implementing these insights into your daily lives.
